Occasional Personal Turmoil

This blog has been filled with tons of self-portraits. I kind of miss the long entries solely comprised of words and plain emotions. No pictures to speak for it. Only letters drawn from inside the mind and the heart. 

I have been feeling extra down lately and I have no idea how to redeem myself. How shall I take control over my life again after everything  has fallen apart? The worst part is that I do not exactly know the reason why I feel shit like this. For the record, I only have two subjects enrolled this semester, Moral Philosophy that interest me more than I expected and Research which I feel otherwise. Moral Philosophy is only during friday and saturday mornings and research is on monday and wednesday evenings. However, I would still feel consumed and exhausted at the end of every day. It's like my day went bland without knowing it. Nothing's new. Nothing's refreshing. Nothing's exciting. Each day passes like it did not came. Even my paper could attest to my lack of motivation and eagerness toward things. I am writing my thesis paper solely for compliance. Because there's a deadline to meet, expectations to maintain and reputation to build. Beyond the words written on it, it is empty. It is hollow inside. I should know because I know myself well to recognize the fact that I can't find passion on it. My heart is elsewhere and I can't find it to put it on my works. 

There's just so much going on, around me and within me. Thesis is consuming me, my crappy emotion is failing me, even my health I know is at hang because I can feel something's not right inside me. The pressure to do well with my paper because my family, my mentor and even other people around me expect a lot from me is past what I can handle. The sad part is, I know I can overcome it but I am not doing anything about it. It's like I surrendered myself to hopelessness and so-be-its. Even the guts and the optimism to fight what's pulling me down is, I guess, I have lost. 

Maybe this is the reason why I sleep a lot nowadays. But even when I lay on my bed, my mind is screaming of so much things to deal with. Even as I close my eyes I can see the gravity of my light misery. And even as I succumb to rest, I wake up the next morning fatigued. What is happening? Can somebody please shake me up, slap me and tell me I should wake up from this desolation? 

Ugh. I just need somebody. Maybe you. Or not. Just please. Keep me company.

I have never thought you would affect me this much. Didn't see that coming.