Lost in a Fast Paced World

Ohai there! It's been quite sometime since I last had an entry here. It's kind of hard juggling different blog accounts. And most of my reserved thoughts lately are not really for public knowledge so I have been visiting my other secret blog for a quick catharsis. And oh by the way, I put up another account. This time I made sure it has a theme so I wouldn't have a hard time deciding on to which account should I post and I promise to religiously go by it. My fashion-loving and wanderlust self had just been brought to life once more, hurray! 

To keep you posted a bit, nothing much interesting is going on with me right now. I have been struggling lately as to how am I going to get by with life now that I have graduated. I am officially a member of the unemployed people of our country hence the on and off pseudo depression I have been battling with for over sometime now. I mean, I feel like I am lost in this fast paced world and I just don't know how to get along. I have been searching for jobs of course, some of which had I pursued then I'll be enjoying my own earnings by now, but I declined. Why? Because I don't think it was good enough for me. Choosy, eh? Well, yes. And I believe I have the prerogative to be. I don't wanna settle on something that I might just regret in the future. There's no harm in being choosy and being patient enough to wait for the right one for you, right? So yeah. Now I am just enjoying my bum time at home during weekdays and made it a point to go out and visit interesting places come weekends so I won't be dead bored, you know. 

It is even confusing hearing my mom says she doesn't really want me to start working soon. I honestly didn't know what to feel when she said that but when I asked why, I think my heart just sank. Mommy said she doesn't actually want me to work anytime soon because all she ever want is for us to always be together. You know, random shopping at anytime of any day, unplanned trips to wherever and the likes. Only then that I realized that my mother doesn't want me to really grow up and be away from her grasp. She  wanted me to stay as the the little girl she always had. I remember having a really bad argument with her the night before my prom. I was shouting and crying, asking her for a bit of independence. And then I heard her say, "ayoko lang magdalaga ka agad. Gusto ko lang baby pa rin kita." Cheesy? Oh well, she's a mother of two boys and an only girl so you can't blame her. Even up to now, she still has the same desire for me, for us. My mom is sweet, isn't she?  So hearing that from her made me cringe. I appreciate her more but of course that can't be the picture all the time. I have to grow up, make decisions of my own and have a life. 

Maybe that's one reason why I am taking my time and not rushing into things. I am never pressured nor deprived of the things I want, even for some luxuries in life. Yes, I am excited to start a new phase of my life, start earning and buy whatever I want, but at the right time and with the right opportunity. I have been rushing all these time and it did me no good. So now I am taking a break, slowing things down and sorting what I really want to do with my life. It'll come, I know. I trust and I believe. 

Picsheers

Just some pictures I took using my webcam after my final defense yesterday.

Nerve Wrackiiiiiing

I just had my final defense this morning and holly-molly it was one experience I never wanted to go through again. That was the longest 2 hours of my life yet! I was fried alive using my own sweat. Oh well I expected the comments and questions since I've been doubting the same results beforehand. But thank God my paper was still accepted. I'll get by with the bulk of revisions to do because I know after this I'd be bum. Oh gosh, I really can't wait to be out of here! Thesis is making my life so hard right now and I'm no longer enjoying it. I'm close to giving up, really. Circumstances seems to be pushing me to the limits and its getting waaaaaay out of hand. I pray hard that all of these be ended soon. I want to rest and enjoy little things in life I have been missing since thesis isolated me from the world. I feel so fun deprived right now. 

Anyhow, I know everything will be fine. Success is sweeter after the gruel experience. So, yeah. I'll wait for that moment when I would, at last, feel free again. Thank God for listening. Prayers really move miracles. Yes, that's how big deal thesis is. 

Life's celebration through art after! I can't wait. :)

I am utterly bored

My thesis is slowly in progress. The last day for final defense is scheduled on February 19 and I only got a month to now to materialize my work. And I'm frozen at data gathering. Now I am starting to worry whether I am going to make it or not.

So right now, what I do is sit in front of my laptop all day, surfing the net. Hoping it could divert my boredom into something else more interesting. Like this, blogging. and downloading games, music and pictures for wallpapers. I am fairly feeling guilty because I am wasting my time doing nothing really productive for my paper, but what can I do? I am not yet to jump to the next process because the journal my respondents has been doing is not due until Wednesday. Only then I can proceed. So for now, I resolve on the perks the net provide.

If only I can fast forward to the day of my defense, and then to the day of the graduation, then to the night when I have to leave for manila. Then I will be thrilled. Because finally I am near him, and my family. Oh I miss my life there. Not to mention I am getting more and more excited for this new chapter of my life. Here, I only feel inferior and insecure. So as soon as possible, I want to be out of here. :/ so please, thesis move a little faster! :))

Heyuh!

It's been a while. Oh well, thesis has been so demanding the past months so I'm in so much stress. No more time for long writes and reflection. But hey! I'm back. Just for sometime, since the semester has just began and I still have the luxury of wasting my time in the internet doing just about nothing.
So what's up?

Oh I just wanna share. My proposal defense went GREAT! and I really mean it. I was surprised with all the positive feedbacks and comments! YES! YES! THANK YOU, LORD! :))))) At first, I was dumbfounded. I can't believe I'm hearing what I'm hearing. Now, that is motivation (I hope so, hihi). That would be more than enough to keep me pushing up to the finish line. So who said I can't? (me) I can! :D

After all the dramas, the self-pity and the pseudo-depression, it did pay off! :)))))

here's a picture of how I look during my proposal defense. Di kita buong outfit, sariling sikap ang pag take eh. haha :))

Occasional Personal Turmoil

This blog has been filled with tons of self-portraits. I kind of miss the long entries solely comprised of words and plain emotions. No pictures to speak for it. Only letters drawn from inside the mind and the heart. 

I have been feeling extra down lately and I have no idea how to redeem myself. How shall I take control over my life again after everything  has fallen apart? The worst part is that I do not exactly know the reason why I feel shit like this. For the record, I only have two subjects enrolled this semester, Moral Philosophy that interest me more than I expected and Research which I feel otherwise. Moral Philosophy is only during friday and saturday mornings and research is on monday and wednesday evenings. However, I would still feel consumed and exhausted at the end of every day. It's like my day went bland without knowing it. Nothing's new. Nothing's refreshing. Nothing's exciting. Each day passes like it did not came. Even my paper could attest to my lack of motivation and eagerness toward things. I am writing my thesis paper solely for compliance. Because there's a deadline to meet, expectations to maintain and reputation to build. Beyond the words written on it, it is empty. It is hollow inside. I should know because I know myself well to recognize the fact that I can't find passion on it. My heart is elsewhere and I can't find it to put it on my works. 

There's just so much going on, around me and within me. Thesis is consuming me, my crappy emotion is failing me, even my health I know is at hang because I can feel something's not right inside me. The pressure to do well with my paper because my family, my mentor and even other people around me expect a lot from me is past what I can handle. The sad part is, I know I can overcome it but I am not doing anything about it. It's like I surrendered myself to hopelessness and so-be-its. Even the guts and the optimism to fight what's pulling me down is, I guess, I have lost. 

Maybe this is the reason why I sleep a lot nowadays. But even when I lay on my bed, my mind is screaming of so much things to deal with. Even as I close my eyes I can see the gravity of my light misery. And even as I succumb to rest, I wake up the next morning fatigued. What is happening? Can somebody please shake me up, slap me and tell me I should wake up from this desolation? 

Ugh. I just need somebody. Maybe you. Or not. Just please. Keep me company.

I have never thought you would affect me this much. Didn't see that coming. 

Dress Up Doll

Often, when I am bored, I dress myself up and take pictures. Lots of it, actually. I would put some make up on, curl my hair and rummage my closet for a new mixed-up outfit for a shoot. I am such a girly girl. I know, right? Well, that description only suites the "me" at home. I seldom go out all dolled up. Here are some insane photos I took of myself using my laptop's webcam:

I would really want a good camera someday so I'll have more pictures with better quality. =)